Trigger warning: aftermath of sexual assault
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When was the first time in it happened? I know I spent a lot of my teenage years dissociated. The first time I remember really being aware that the way I had sex was different from how a lot of people do I was 16 or 17, I remember squeezing my eyes tight and pretending I was alone. As I came I had this exquisite vision of solitude and a cityscape made up of obsidian obelisks. I remember searching for that moment later, when I would need to stop sex and my then-partner would say ‘wait, just let me finish, I’m almost there,’ and so I would check out, slip out of my body like an article of clothing, watch the shadows in the garden as the leaves shifted outside the window.