remember me to LJ.

02/25/2012

listening to the pixies, eating a very very late breakfast of homemade granola and yoghurt.

writing a lot, feeling like so much of it is too personal to share, too much like putting a kaleidoscope up a speculum up my own asshole–YEAH PICTURE THAT PLEASE DO (send me the sketch!).

here is the thing about writers’ block: i am writing the whole time, but nothing feels good enough to share. it is all process and rough drafts that don’t go anywhere, usually pretty fast.

writing (for me) is usually a garbage in, garbage out kind of process, which means if i wanna be writing poems, essays, literary short stories, etc, i better be reading them. despite all that, i just started re-reading the Tapscott translation of Pablo Neruda’s Cien sonetos de amor, and somehow the beginnings of what an utterly bizarre but hopefully successful short story fell off the truck of my keyboard (here’s a draft).

also been writing a lot of letters, a few of which i have actually sent, most of which i haven’t. hella (gawd, hate that word, how did it enter my vocab if i hate it so much?) process-oriented letters.

in some ways it feels like the last few years have been surfing the sewer system. i keep thinking i’ve taken the last wave of shit but then another one comes rolling in and i have to ride it out. and of course, waves come in sets, too. but not all the waves are shitty, i’m just pessimistic because it’s so cold in the living room or something.

***

the gist of goings-on:
-started going by my boi name (different than my given name) almost full time. feels really good, tho at times i feel kind of naked now–like i’ve given birth to myself. have more writing about that.
-recently gave two workshops w- F at a local college, consent 101 & survivor support. was really triggered at one point, and that has given me a lot of personal stuff to work on regarding sex/consent/self-care/asking for support/etc.
-broke up with C, play partner of 3 years. feeling really awesome about this choice because it gives me some space that i have needed to do a lot of healing work of my own that was hampered by that relationship continuing in the way it was.
-adopted NO NEW DATES POLICY for myself for…a while. how long is a while? i don’t even know. i just feel like i need support more than i need makeouts right now. also really want to deepen my existing relationships.
-omg, therapy. finally. felt really validated when therapist was like “it sounds like you have been doing a lot of healing work on your own,” and when they said “you need to have compassion for yourself.”
-continuing to hang out with P, who continually demonstrates awesomeness, esp. communication/support-related awesomeness, despite having a nerve-wrackingly quiet demeanor, overall. i trust that person so much and feel incredibly safe. really enjoy the compersion aspects of hanging with P/M (his partner), even tho we are both traversing some rough seas right now. <flap flap flap>
-continuing to hang out with J (crush jail crush), in a slow and halting manner. feel challenged by this relationship, but in a good way. i enjoy the brain stimulation aspect the most, probably–we talk a lot when we are hanging out, more than i can remember having talked with any masculine person i have ever dated. not entirely sure where we stand other than “you are awesome+makeouts=?” but whatever the direction it seems like a good one.
-having a hard time with my body. pain, dissociation, etc. it is unpredictable, and sometimes i feel like i’m trying to make contact with another planet when i try to masturbate (yeah, no bueno). trying to learn how to take pleasure in my body again.
-medic stuff: the g8 & a conference beforehand in Chicago are coming up. am i going? trying to figure that out. starting to wonder if it might be healthier to stay home or go on a bike trip by myself, instead, as part of my healing process.
-trying to figure out a way to have a mediated conversation with the Manarchist ™ so that i can feel safe in Chicago/here/etc. that is bringing up a lot of really hard/crappy stuff.
-lots of other things. of course.

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