trigger up: that bridge too far

01/29/2012

trigger warning for suicidal ideation and self-harm.

i want to tell you this secret because you love me with your reading, and i love you back with this telling.
i was both disappointed and relieved when they closed the fence on the bridge, after they had installed phones to a suicide hotline and after peoples’ choices to end their own lives had disturbed other lives who chose to continue on.
i still say in deference that ‘if x then i would find myself on [the bridge],’ but i don’t mean it as much now as i once did, because i can’t.
i do still know the buses i would take, how much fare costs at mid-day and at early morning, or on a sunday. wouldn’t need the all-day pass, now would i?
but it has been a long time since i checked the bus schedule and counted minutes before i called someone and said, please. please please, i need you to come, and waited, choking on tears, terrified of my own hands and what they might or might not be able to do.
a strange calm comes over after the call, emergency halted. i can’t go anywhere now, because she’s coming and someone has to let her in. it’s a dark night, but her eyes and hands are bright.
the long time is not so long, i am so young. in between the time when we said off, the time we said on, and oh yes, the time when we said off again.
anyways. i am thinking of the way that she carried me that night in her cool, pale hands, until i was safely on the other side.
survival is one step at a time across the bridge, but sometimes you need someone to carry your steps for a little while. tricky thing is to make sure they don’t carry you too far, make sure at the end you’re still standing on your own two, and not theirs.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: