head like a kite

12/22/2011

dissociation: limbs lumpy and not-right, not-right-at-all.

my date was trying to dance with me. i’d been coy the entire (very short) evening because well, i couldn’t figure out where to put myself. and then i froze, felt all weird and crazy and incomplete, like i had run up short.  where was i supposed to put my body again? a hand here, a hand there, step back, step in, FUCK.

it takes me time to trust someone with myself, to trust myself with them.

recently i have been bad at this, even if it’s someone i’ve had several to many dates with that person. i get all freeze-y, deer-in-the-headlights-y. i forget that i have agency in the whole situation.

it doesn’t always happen, but yeah. i don’t know [what to do about this]. chemical interventions like drugs, alcohol, or physical chemistry can blur some of the issue, but i don’t actually like relying on those things to make me not feel like crawling under the couch when i am talking with someone and OH GOD THEY LOOK ME IN THE EYE.

think i need to do more work on rooting myself to my body and my agency as an individual, so i will feel more comfortable in social situations, like uh…walking to the grocery store and running into someone (even a stranger) on the street, on dates, spending time with friends, etc.

oh the brain is so weird.

 

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