11/26/2011

This year I am most thankful for my relationship with my mother, growing strong even after having been cut off (once, twice, more).

For me it feels like something so incredibly powerful to have known this person my whole life long, to have known them since they were so young, themselves.

Last year we started speaking again after almost an entire year of absence (no phone calls, my letter unreturned, etc), just a few weeks before Thanksgiving.

In the last year I feel like we have grown together in a way that would be impossible to describe with words. Even though we are thousands of miles apart I can feel her with me when I need her most.

I don’t place a whole lot of value on biological family–mine has not placed a whole lot of value on me, after all! But I place a lot of value on chosen family, and I have chosen my mother, over and over (and will choose her, over and over), as she has me.

A lot of my memories of her are hard, we grew up together, we both made lots of mistakes. But in the last year I have felt her ease up on me, I feel like I get off the phone with her no longer anxious, but buoyed up by her love and praise. Even tho we disagree, even tho there are things we still find too difficult to talk about.

When I was having really bad PTSD/dissociative stuff earlier this year she just let me sit on the phone with her and tell her. Everything, every painful detail that I could dredge up, all the things I have survived, and she took it. She told me, it is not your fault, it is not your fault, how could you have been anywhere else? when I told her about my rapes, and how I have blamed myself for them for so many years. I felt something break open (gladly) and release,  in me, I was so grateful. I needed that. Who else could have given that to me, but her? I know by logic that these things are not my fault, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like they are, sometimes.

My mother survived horrible things as a child and a young adult, it always amazes me, that she can give me so much compassion when she has so rarely been shown that kind of compassion, herself (to my knowledge, anyways). I am grateful.

I am grateful to be family with this incredibly strong, intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate person who writes me beautiful hilarious letters that brighten my days when they are darkest.

Thank you, Universe, for my mother, and the relationship we have now.

-RD

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