3 steps forward, 2 steps back


sometimes i feel like screaming from the top of a very very far mountain “I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!” from radical goings-on, the constant work that is never done.

talking with one of my fellow students from Spanish class, zie says, “me and activism are taking some time off from one another right now.” lord, do i understand.

after the three steps forward, i try to take two steps back and go back to the people and places dearest to me, press my exhausted body into the mattress after nights with so little sleep, sleep in. sometimes if i’m lucky there are welcoming arms, someone whose face i can hold in my two hands and get close enough to see how perfect they are. push my face against theirs, the air so cold our deep breaths are visible. we drink in the silence by the river (autumn-going-on-winter, here). that is what i feel most nourished by when it all comes down, not just my introversion (though sometimes that is so so good!) but also that closeness, 1 on 1, late night conversation and its late night lapse. the press of palms that makes me forget all about cops and violence and somuchworktodo for a whole hour or more at a time.

this past weekend travelled to another city to teach (a big daunting task). the whole time felt hard-pressed to connect mind and body, hurting all over (stress + injury aggravation + sleep deprivation are a bad combination, no surprise), but often in the quiet places all i could think was: i would really like a hug right now. i wish there was someone to hold hands with. all of us should just make a cuddle puddle!

it seems silly, counter-intuitive to my overall introversion of late, even–but lord, i thrive on touch, and in an alien environment where almost everyone is practically a stranger i start to crave it. i love* (and have been missing!): dancing, long hugs, cuddling, holding hands, walking with arms linked, sitting with thighs touching, being patted affectionately, so many things.

being quiet together.

i can not tell you how nice it was to come home yesterday, press myself into familiar arms (combustion, combustion, joy!), sit under the lamp and read and read, while that familiar brain and that familiar body read and read nearby. to recharge by osmosis, like one of those newfangled thing-a-ma-wogs where you just set the device atop and the batteries recharge.

3 steps forward for that big work, 2 steps back to recharge.

hugging: now with 10% more revolutionary action!

*with people i want to touch/be touched by. other people touching me tends to lead to me triggering out badly, as one might expect, yeh?


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