biting off more than i can chew.

06/28/2011

a person i would have incubated the life of another human for (once, then–tho i’m glad i didn’t now) said in the dark:

“what the difference between friends and lovers?”

i can share sex with my friends, make meals with friends, ride bikes with friends, cuddle with friends, go on trips with friends, sit quietly and work beside friends–

“Time!” I exclaimed in the dark.

You know that thing that people say, time is money. Let’s scratch that.

Time is investment. My time is an investment, when I lavish time upon someone I am investing in our relationship, trusting that I am tending to something that will nurture us both.

I’ve done a lot of leaping before I look closer, mistaked the preliminary romance for a longer-term compatibility that wasn’t more times than I can count (and I am young yet, at 25 26). It’s easy to forget to put up boundaries when we move so fast. If we hit a roadblock it’s gone before I know it, anyways, and then I’ve spent all this time on a relationship that detracted from the other relationships that I value.

So. From now on, let’s “just” be friends is an honorific.

It means: I want to take my time with you. I want to go slow, to build this thing between us, this bridge, this affection, this kindling, and do it in a way that best serves both of us.

Society has given its permissions as such that people do their worst to their romantic partners (and children). Batter, abuse, manipulate, stifle, the list goes on–and I want none of these.

Negotiation? I can afford negotiation. No? I can hear no. Yes? I can wait until we both say yes, because we are friends, and I value the journeys we take even when they are not shared.

Let’s be whole-hearted, let’s be gracious, let’s be loving, let’s be honest, let’s be friends.

You won’t be the only one–and I won’t be the only one for you, either, and that is part of what makes our friendship great, that we have whole lives besides where we collect the gifts that we share in our time together.

And that is precious, friend, even when time is scarce, maybe even especially when it is scarce, so we fit carefully the pieces of our lives that we will share.

Love and light,

RD

ps. I believe too in the intimacy of day-to-day life, but sometimes what I really want is to know first (because setting boundaries with the people closest to me has been so steadily discouraged) is that I can trust someone with our friendship, before anything else.

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